Glad I changed my mind about med. school — still have that thing with blood — makes me disappear — almost  like magic — but not really.

Water is still running in the kitchen sink — just like I left it — just after I stuck my hand into it — trying so, so hard not to see those drops of red.  Shock — had to be.  Must have bumped my head too — because —  this time — it was different.

Not an out of body experience, I don’t think.  More like that place between sleep and waking where you’re not really anywhere  — not even dreaming.  Confusing.  Because I was  just about to pour hot fudge sauce on my lime sherbet — just about to lick the spoon — at Gifford’s — getting ice cream with my dad and sisters.  My dad always got the works.

I loved that about him — I miss that.

I miss him.

The UPS man was carrying a crumpled, opened box — chewing gum, snickering.

Can’t believe you bought a Thigh Master, he said.

Didn’t mean to slam the door — that hard.  A picture fell.

Then there was a deep quiet — worth exploring — but I couldn’t.  My right ear was throbbing. No blood though.  Not sure how that deer got in the dining room.  I stood up — and it turned back into a chair.