The YouTube videos made it look so super easy.  So–of course I thought cutting my own hair would be easy, simple. Plus, my twin sister, Akwelle, cut hers  in 15  minutes. But, by my 15 minute point– I already looked like Edward Scissorhands.

I blame it on Mexico.  Well, not all of Mexico–but definitely thoughts of  nacho chips and that ridiculous wall– and 7th grade Paul Diamond who laughed at me and said I looked like a gorilla when I got bangs for the first time. And those 2 stupid  boys last week who stole a box from the porch.  And my  elderly neighbor who yelled you’ll never catch them as I kept running and running.

Well–I did catch up to them–those 2 stupid boys.  And I got the box back–after they tossed it–over the shoulder– in the alley–noticeably uninterested in a water filter replacement cartridge or Be Here Now— the Ram Dass book.

I just called the police on you.  The chubby one– with the nice hair– was in shock.  He stopped breathing even.  The skinny one is bad news.  But he’s way too pretty to make it in prison.  Poor boy.

The timing was perfect.  The pretty, skinny one ignored me–walked right by me–tip tapping to some invisible beat–just as the police turned the corner.  Yeah, you better run.

Then I went to the beauty salon.